What Will You Regret?
This Week's Question for Ask the Coach:
In your experience, what are the biggest regrets people have at the end of their careers? What do people wish they had learned sooner?
This is a great question. A wise person learns from experience. A wiser person learns from someone else’s experience. The best way to answer this question is to ask the people who actually have the experience.
My friend John Izzo is the author of a great new book-The Five Secrets You Must Discover before You Die. The book is based on 250 interviews he conducted with people from age 59-106 asking them to reflect back on their lives and careers. Though the people he interviewed ranged from a town barber to successful CEOs, the themes that emerged were clear. Here is some of what he learned about regrets and the things we wished we had learned sooner.
The first thing he learned is that people don’t regret their failures and that most people wished they had risked more. Most of us go through our careers fearing failure, but Izzo discovered that trying and failing is something we can deal with. The happiest people felt they had pursued their dreams and stretched themselves in their lives and careers. So we are more likely to regret having not tried for a dream than to have failed at it. This is particularly interesting because most of us think failure is about the worst thing that can happen to us but it turns out that not trying or playing it safe in our careers is what we should actually be worrying about.
Work-life balance is such a hot topic in the world of work right now so I was particularly interested in what these interviews could teach us about navigating those choices. What Izzo found was complex. While many people regretted having been too focused on work to the detriment of relationships and personal pursuits, others made the same sacrifices but had no regrets. Izzo says “It turns out that as we navigate the choices of balancing work and life, each of us has an inner voice that is speaking to us. Those people whose inner voice was telling that they were sacrificing too much or not being true to themselves had deep regrets.” The book has some poignant stories of those who failed to heed that inner voice. The bottom line-if you think your work-life mix is out of whack it probably is.
When I asked Izzo about his own regrets (being recently introduced to the over fifty club), he told me that his only regret mirrors what he heard from those he interviewed. “I look back and wish I had not been such a know- it-all earlier in my career. Instead of trying to prove how smart I was, I wish I had sought the advice of those who knew more than me.” In his interviews, many people talked about the importance of learning and growing throughout your career and that the more we keep learning the more success we discover. “Basically these people never got stuck in a rut; they were always trying to learn from people smarter than themselves.”
The most important thing Izzo learned about the things we regret was the importance of being true to self. Many of those, I’ve interviewed looked back and felt they were too influenced by others’ opinions. They told me how absolutely critical it is to follow your own definition of success. Don’t take that promotion or job because someone tells you it’s the natural next step. Make to ask yourself if that is the step you want to take.
A final lesson from these people is that status and power aren’t what you will remember as you look back. Rather, most people said it was the things they gave and the people they mentored that give them satisfaction. The town barber put it plainly: “The money in your wallet is not the definition of your success but how many lives you touched.” Turns out that is one thing the barbers and the CEO’s agreed on.
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Marshall Goldsmith is a world authority in helping successful leaders achieve positive, lasting change in behavior. Dr.Goldsmith is the author or co-editor of 22 books, including What Got You Here Won't Get You There, a New York Times best seller and Wall Street Journal #1 business book. He has worked with more than 80 CEOs and their management teams and been recognized as one of the world's leading executive educators and coaches in Forbes, Business Week, The Economist, and many other business publications. The American Management Association listed him as one of 50 great thinkers and leaders who have influenced the field of management. To learn more, please visit 
Comments
Hi,
I am an apprentice manager in Pharma e-marketing in France.
Before that I was a consultant, and the first you learn when you are a consultant at 25 is that you MUST listen to older experienced people, clients, hierarchy...
Instead of giving you a shy image of yourself, that gives you legitimacy...
My blog (in french) about my (young) experience and how I learn from others :
http://managementetmoi.blogspot.com/
- Posted by Monsieur J
June 16, 2008 3:58 AM
Listening to one's true self is hard. Turning those insights into action is even harder. What lessons were learned about how to turn insights into one's self into life changes?
- Posted by Taylor Davidson
June 16, 2008 3:14 PM
Hi Marshall,
Sometimes I think the people around me (family, friends, classmates, etc.) have me labelled as a know-it-all. This apparent reality frustrates me because I often find myself doing most of the listening during conversations.
I will listen to someone else carry on about themselves for long periods of time and remain relatively unfazed. Then when I open my mouth to say a few words, I rarely receive the same respect back (often being rudely interrupted). It is almost like I have to be content to not say much about myself while playing someone else up to be something bigger than they really are.
How do I handle this predicament - especially if my 'annoyance level' is on the upward move?
Your article also stirred a few other comments and questions.
For one thing, when a less experienced person is learning from a more experienced person, how should conversations go? Is it wrong for an inexperienced person to talk a lot and reiterate back what they have heard to demonstrate that they have been listening and internalizing what a mentor has said? Does excessive talk by an inexperienced person infringe on an experienced person's timeline? That is, should young people shut up because they have more time?
How does a inexperienced person know when they are becoming experienced? Where is the magical and developmental cusp where one uncertainly teeters, then transitions to the realm of wisdom? If some experienced people are immature, are they still able to be wise? May inexperienced people who are mature be categorized as wise? Where do the two divergent paths meet?
After reading this article, there is one thing I know for sure...if I am able to remain relatively polite (a level of standardized politeness that is measured against a social norm - which incidentally should not be that hard to achieve considering some of the attendees at the U.S. Open this past week), then I will not regret speaking and sharing what I really think and feel. To me, keeping relative politeness and respect in mind, not expressing an authentic self is right up there on the list of one of life's greatest tragedies.
Matthew
- Posted by Matthew Polkinghorne
June 16, 2008 9:09 PM
I had just thought similar as Mr. Polkinghorne.
Thx EveryBody!
- Posted by Rafael Canteri
June 17, 2008 11:59 AM
Speaking from the viewpoint of a young professional and as someone who is likely to be categorized as 'inexperienced,' I agree that it is extremely frustrating when I engage in a conversation with my superior or someone who has been in the business longer than I have, and my words are not being heard. I am respecting what they have to say; why should I not expect the same?
However, I do think that is changing a great deal. Many companies (for example, HBR's story about Green Mountain Power) are breaking down the physical bureaucracies in businesses, so that more people can be heard. However, reality is quite different than the 'ideal' in most instances. I think it simply takes time, a familiarity between people and a reputation within the company for quality work. I agree, Matthew, when you say that a standard of politeness is necessary.
Perhaps a convergence of the 'inexperienced but mature' professional and the 'experienced but immature' professional is a point when the latter needs assistance. If the young professional is able to deliver on something that is of great value to the industry veteran, he or she has proven himself worthy.
- Posted by Teri Leavens
June 18, 2008 12:06 AM
We are human and full of imperfections. The moment we get that right then we would be able to set our self free from the trap of regrets.
- Posted by ROSEMARY NKECHI NWAOZOMUDOH
June 18, 2008 7:26 AM
'great information, I love this site!
- Posted by steve simon
June 18, 2008 8:10 AM
It's very encouraging that people are becoming more aware of real meaning of life and asking questions. Who wants to regret at the end? We got to learn from other people's experiences and live the life.
- Posted by virk
June 18, 2008 3:57 PM
What you wrote ignited my dreams again.I am on fire to put the thoughts into actions to accomplish what I always dreamed before. I want to have the last laugh with no regrets. Thank you.
VJ Traven
- Posted by V J Traven
June 19, 2008 9:28 AM
A few words of advice on regret that I have used to stop, reflect and make a different decision:
- listen to your kids, they are profoundly perceptive and I have made 2 different career choices based on a discussion with a 3 yr old; we become so myopic and focussed we can't always see the 'forest'
- who do you want at your funeral? Your lawyer? Your accountant? or your family? Think ahead to what you would like to hear at your funeral, are you on the right path?
Carl ;-)
- Posted by Carl Weatherell
June 19, 2008 1:55 PM
Hi Professor Marshall:
What is your biggest regrets till now at this stage of career?
I mean what is one think you would have done better to have a successful life ?
- Posted by Jas
June 20, 2008 2:48 AM
I think one of the points here is life does not begin at retirement. Live in the moment and do not just keep waiting for the next event to start living.
- Posted by Bob H.
June 20, 2008 9:52 PM
Mr. Polkinghorne's questions remind me of my own reaction at introduction to the International Baccalaureate (I.B)'s Theory of Knowledge course...I was supposed to be learning how to think. As far as I was concerned I could already think otherwise I would not have been admitted to I.B. How, pray tell, would I be able to know when I had achieved course objectives and learnt how to think? The one thing I can confirm is that there is no "developmental cusp" as such - no clean break between knowing and not knowing. It is much the same way when we are growing up and "suddenly" realise that a favourite sweater or pair of pants does not fit any more. The process is subtle and less remarkable because it affects the invisible mind as opposed to a physical body. My "aha!" moment came when I was reading through the first ever essay I had written for The Theory of Knowledge course, I actually cringed at the callow writing done only six months previously! Wisdom came quietly with training and experience.
- Posted by Evelyn Mung'au
June 23, 2008 10:00 AM
its a great topic! perhaps i've learned something from this viewpoint. Failure is not something to be feared of but rather a lesson to be learned for each and everyone to do better if not best.
- Posted by Mariafe M. Plaza
June 24, 2008 12:53 AM
Hi,
I would like to say thank you to Rafael and Evelyn for connecting some of their ideas with some of my ideas. It is always great to reflect off of each other and learn more - especially in such a rich topic like regret.
Thanks Marshall!
Matthew
- Posted by Matthew Polkinghorne
June 26, 2008 11:59 AM
Hi,
It's good that you have emphasized the power of continuous learning and taking risks.
Thanks for such a good article !
Jamilah Haron
- Posted by Jamilah Haron
June 29, 2008 5:22 AM
Monsieur - Thank you for sharing this resource!
Taylor - The goal acheivers who are most successful 'write it down', 'publicly announce it' and 'stick to it'. They are also open to help.
Matthew and Rafael - Thank you for these great questions! My suggestion is simple - treat ideas from others as a gift. Then you won't have to 'talk back' or 'disagree'. Just think about what other people say. Espeically higher managers or older people - who may not have asked for your input.
Teri - I love this phrase, "Perhaps a convergence of the 'inexperienced but mature' professional and the 'experienced but immature' professional is a point when the latter needs assistance." Thank you!
Rosemary - I agree.
Steve - Thank you for being a reader!!!
Virk - Thank you!
- Posted by Marshall Goldsmith
June 30, 2008 5:02 PM
VJ - Thank you for this inspiring comment! Go for it!
Carl - Great point! When we are on our death bed - and look around - very few fellow employees will be waving goodbye!
Jas - My biggest regret is that I sometimes got lost in trivia - and missed the 'big things' that I could have been doing. Thank you for asking.
Bob - I just had a wonderful experience with a nice woman who was 50. She had been saying that she 'couldn't wait to retire' at 55. After we talked she said, "I am going to start living NOW."
Evelyn - Thank you for this example. As a writer, I know how hard it can be to go back and read what I have written!
Mariafe - Good events can make us happy. Challenging events can help us learn!
Matthew - Thank you for inspiring this great discussion.
Jamilah - Thank you for joining us!
- Posted by Marshall Goldsmith
June 30, 2008 5:11 PM