Thank you for the simple two-question tool for self-reflection.
Having to answer the question about the negatives, however obvious, helps shift responsibility back to myself. Even if I'd prefer otherwise, I believe I need to keep the focus on what I can do differently.
The worst thing we can do to ourselves is believe that there is nothing we can do. Doing something... anything at all... is an amazingly self-empowering gift we can give to ourselves.

I don't know the exact term for this example (or if there is a term for this), but I call it displaced memory. Where we displace memory onto our partners/kids/parents, in order to use our memory for something we deem more important. Also, why I don't remember phone numbers anymore because they are on my cell phone.

When I was young I used to say that I was horrible with names. At the time most of the people I was meeting were through my ex-girlfriend and I didn't bother to remember anyone's name because she always knew them. After the relationship, it took a while to realize that all it took was a little effort and saying peoples names when you see them. Now I can remember names better than most people I know.

Of course it gets a little harder when the change goes a little deeper, but the same principle applies. It just takes work, and awareness of course.

Karl - Excellent point! We cannot always 'change the world' but we can 'change ourselves'!
Michael - I agree. The main reason that we don't change what we know we should is that we just don't make the effort.

Hi Marshall,

You sound very much like a humanitarian.

One of the easiest ways to find people who talk to themselves in a negative way is to visit a golf course. Golfing is intriguing in that you will find out what a person thinks about themself when they hit a bad shot.

I began to notice this phenomenon when I played rounds of golf in my teenage years with my buddies. I noticed that bad shots often resulted in verbalizations like 'I am an idiot', or 'I am terrible', or 'I don't believe this'. The list of phrases goes on and on. My point here is that golf actually acts as a vehicle to release personal frustrations about the self.

Think about it. What does it matter if we hit a bad shot? It took me five years to accept bad shots, not say anything negative to myself, and go chase the little white ball up the fairway and eventually get it in the hole. Sometimes I made a birdie, sometimes I made a double bogey. Rarely, I made an eagle.

I think that golfers who like to verbally thrash themselves may be stuck in the thought of disappointment. In other words, they have not lived up to an unrealistic standard set by themselves or someone else. In the most self-damaging case, a golfer (or a human being in any facet of life) continues to beat themself up because someone else has set or placed an unrealistic standard or expectation. Such an individual has not yet made the decision to 'let go' of impositions that have been successfully transferred (i.e. - accepted).

Individuals who constantly attack their selves not only stagnate, they may also believe that they are not adequate or do not believe that they deserve to be happy.

In dissecting human beings in a such a way, there is a tendency to say hey 'this sounds negative, sad, or defeatist'. We should buck up and forget about all of this malarkey. The truth is, we all, in some shape or form, experience moments of self-doubt and self-hate - we cannot stand to be in our own skin so to speak.

The upside of all this is that we can change. There are ways to climb out of the deepest dungeon. Some of us know what it is like to make the 'comeback'- we have been there one, two, or many times. No matter what happens in our life - no matter what part we are talking about - there always has to be that part of our self that is unbreakable. We have to know that that part of our self will always remain.

When we know this about ourselves, we can begin to change and grow at a pace that is relative to our capabilities and circumstance. Without it, the position of where we are in life does not matter, for who we are is lost in the abyss.

Yes! People can change and I look back over my life as living proof of that. I came from an atmosphere that did not foster growth of any kind. An atmosphere so steeped in dysfunction and abuse that it was evident to me even as a small child that it was not right. This left me frightened, insecure, lacking self esteem and with strong feeling of inadequacy.

I do remember one trait that stayed with me my whole life, and that was the burning desire to escape and grow. I knew that as soon as I got out of there, I would blossom. Unfortunately this was only partially true, I had a lot of work to do in order to recognize and leave the baggage from my childhood by the roadside. I did it!, and I take all the credit for my successes, personally and professionally.

My former husband and I built a successful business that thrust me into situations where I was forced to face my fears and overcome them. People are always amazed if I even mention my former fear of any kind of social or business function, for now I am able to speak to a room filled with hundreds of people.

Once my husband and I were to attend a cocktail party at the late Governor Muskie's, I was so sick on the way, that we had to pull over. I remember my husband saying, "Do you want to go home?" "No" was my reply....and I did it. I love people, and I was determined to shed the chains of my past to embrace and enjoy all the people who crossed my path.

With the knowledge I have now, I recognize that I functioned on the "survival" level as a child and never even had the opportunity to work on up to the "security" level. A life altering read for me was Viktor Frankl's "Man Search for Meaning" which proved to me that I could do anything. I could bring myself up the hierarchy and reach self actualization. I really owe my life to the great authors who shared their stories of overcoming adversity. They were the best examples of strength and fortitude as any parent could be.

I have coined a phrase "Attitudinize" and have used it in some of my presentations.

Adjust
the
Temperature
Take inventory
To
Understand
Directions
In
Nurturing
Inside
a
Zest
for
Everything!

Basically this means, you are in charge of your life, get what you need to make it better, and you are a direct result of the beautiful combinations of everything you have experienced in your life. So embrace the bad along with the good, for this is only a new opportunity to learn, grow, and change.

I think we should look at our lives as an opportunity to do better every day, whether in business or our personal lives. Recognize where you fall short and focus on doing better next time. Claiming your life as your own is very powerful. I was determined to get the most out of my life in spite of my horrific childhood. No one person, experience, or any of my own shortcomings, were going to rob me of working to achieve my maximum potential!

P.S. I still work at it every day!

Yes! People can change and I look back over my life as living proof of that. I came from an atmosphere that did not foster growth of any kind. An atmosphere so steeped in dysfunction and abuse that it was evident to me even as a small child that it was not right. This left me frightened, insecure, lacking self esteem and strong feeling of inadequacy.

I do remember one trait that stayed with me my whole life, and that was the burning desire to escape and grow. I knew that as soon as I got out of there, I would blossom. Unfortunately this was only partially true, I had a lot of work to do in order to recognize and leave the baggage from my childhood by the roadside, but I did it, and I take all the credit for my successes, personally and professionally.

My former husband and I built a successful business that thrust me into situations where I was forced to face my fears and overcome them. People are amazed if I even mention my former fear of any kind of social or business function, for now I am able to speak to a room filled with hundreds of people.

Once my husband and I were to attend a cocktail party at the late Governor Muskie's, I was so sick on the way, that we had to pull over. I remember my husband saying, "Do you want to go home?" "No" was my reply....and I did it. I love people, and I was determined to shed the chains of my past to embrace and enjoy all the people who crossed my path.

With the knowledge I have now, I recognize that I functioned on the "survival" level as a child and never even had the opportunity to work on up to the "security" level. A life altering read for me was Viktor Frankl's "Man Search for Meaning" which proved to me that I could do anything. I could bring myself up the hierarchy and reach self actualization. I really owe my life to the great authors who shared their stories of overcoming adversity. They were the best examples of strength and fortitude as any parent could be.

I have coined a phrase "Attitudinize" and have used it in some of my presentations.

Adjust
the
Temperature
Take inventory
To
Understand
Directions
In
Nurturing
Inside
a
Zest
for
Everything!

Basically this means, you are in charge of your life, get what you need to make it better, and you are a direct result of the beautiful combinations of everything you have experienced in your life. So embrace the bad along with the good, for this is only an opportunity to learn, grow, and change.

I think we should look at our lives as an opportunity to do better every day, whether in business or our personal lives. Recognize where you fall short and focus on doing better next time. Claiming your life as your own is very powerful. I was determined to get the most out of my life in spite of my horrific childhood. No one, or no shortcoming, was going to rob me of my maximum potential!

P.S. I still work at it every day!

Marshall,

Well put... And maybe we CAN change the world, albeit one person at a time (starting with ourselves);-)

Thanks alot for the post.

I am a very short tempered person and I was delighted to know and even think that I can come over my temper. I always tell myself & others that I cannot improve as this has been the way I am and I will always be. It was good to read the post and while reading while writing the negative adjectives I observed the way my negative characteristic effects the positive aspect of my behavior.

It made me think how can I manage this. It was good to introspect this way.

aditi

Dear Marshall,

Greeting;

I have a belief that all brains or minds are made in one dye and all possible actions and reactions till the last day of the mankind have been ingrained/engrained in this object called brain. That’s why we feel, see and hear that when a human becomes animal, his animal instincts gets awakened and he proves to be worst than animal. When they are humane, we see prophetic behaviors. Therefore, it’s a discovery process of oneself and a sojourn for the suppression of the animal instincts. Let’s take the example of s student who thinks and feels that he can’t make a presentation but with signaling from the five senses, he discovers that he can make a presentation. Furthering the thought he discovers that he can master this skill and make it a habit. Another example, Newton discovered the laws of physics which probably were there since inception of the universe but a certain event forced him to ignite that discovery somewhere stored in his brain.

The importance of five senses: Seeing, Speaking, Listening, Feeling and Tasting. Intact these five senses means special bestow of God and mostly are bestowed. These senses throw a signaling into the mind and aligned parked action or reaction occurs. Reading your piece of input ignited in me that there has to be a discovery process, a process where by a person is able to discover a certain trait with the condition that discovery process remains on wheels for further discoveries. A child when nurtured, parents discover that they can raise a child and make an all out effort to pass on the signals into the child’s mind through these fives senses so that his/her soul radiates positivism. By design an endeavor is made to let the child discover his eating, drinking, smiling etc behaviors.

I therefore conclude that a person should always remain on path to discover himself. In the process he will discover that he has to be human and what does that humane means. Simple, any action or reaction of his is harmful to the other person; he has discovered a wrong trait. If five senses tell him that he is stubborn and somebody is getting a hit because of this, he must discover to do the otherwise. For this very reason special onus have bee scribbled by writers, speakers and researchers to pay heed to these five senses. Opinion, every person has but to be declared opinionate means somebody is getting a hit. Therefore, sharpening of the five senses is of extreme importance to the discovery route.

With kind regards,

Farooq Ahmed
fa_wll@hotmail.com
Pakistan

The words we use to define ourselves are most formative. I served as lead pastor at a growing church I was priveleged to start with a team a great leaders. By all external measurments things were going great at the five year mark. Internally, however, I wasn't feeling the satisfaction and fulfillment you'd think a leader would feel while enjoying a meaningful season of contribution.

Realizing something was terribly wrong internally, I stepped away from my responsibilities, with the blessing of our leadership team, to listen to the "small, still voice" that was trying to get my attention.

Under the direction of a wise coach, I came to realize the chief problem. During a one-week period of directed silence and solitude, she asked me to be alone in the silence with this question: "If God were to use one word to describe you, what would that word be?"

To my horror, that word was "dirty." Over the months that followed I came to see how that one word had stolen my LIFE from me. I couldn't enjoy the wonders of relationships, contribution, accomplishment and love.

I can't remember the source or the exact wording of the quote, but I remember reading that someone wise in the ways of the interior life said, and I paraphrase, "The question of whether the Universe is friendly or not is the most impactful question we will ever ask."

Does God like me? By definition, He's required to love me. The question is does He like me? I now know He likes me.

Consequently, the words I now use to define myself have changed. After almost five years of an intense deconstruction project, tearing down the faulty definitions my LIFE, my LIFE is now built on powerful, life-enlarging words like "beloved", "precious", "cherished", "friend".

The transformation has been remarkable. Now I have the gifts of my LIFE to offer my world, not in a contrived, manufactured or manipulated or scripted manner, but in a way that brings me LIFE as I share that LIFE for the awakening of others.

Matthew - Thank you very much for this thoughtful post! I love your golf example!
Wendy - Thank you for this deeply personal story. Your comments are useful to us all.
AJ - Your philophy is shared by Mother Theresa.
Aditi - There is no reason that you have to continue having an 'anger problem'. Thousands of people have overcome this - and so can you!
Farooq - The five senses are our way of experiencing the world. Sharpening these means sharpening ourselves. Thank you!
Jerry - Thank you for sharing your gift with us!
Thanks to everyone who sent such deep and powerful comments. These have been amazing!

Hi Marshall,

This may be the first sceptical comment on your post.

I read an excellent book called 'Moneyball' by Michael Lewis sometime back, and one of the things it mentioned was that 'Every form of strength is also a form of weakness'. My question is this - How does one know that what one defines as a weakness is really a weakness (using weakness and negative self-description synonymously)?

For example, I have always been an easily distracted person and am quite prone to procrastination. While these may definitely be described as negative characteristics, I believe that to a large extent, they have helped me acquire the necessary breadth of knowledge (being distracted enough to want to read and know everything under the sun) to carry out my job today; as well as to find things that motivate me enough (I do not procrastinate when it comes to something that I am passionate about).

In other words, my so called "weaknesses" have shaped me and helped me find myself in many important ways. Why would I have it otherwise?

With regards.

Wow!

This article and the posts following are an amazing testimony to how important and heartfelt this subject is.

The most powerful lesson a person can learn is that they alone possess the ability to overcome any obstacle. It does involve a lot of time, hard work, and determination to do so, but the return on the investment is infinite and lasting. However, once you "define" yourself in one area, another is sure to pop up. It is a continuous circle.

I talk to myself all the time about all the idiotic things done, but then, I think about what is needed to fix the problem, reaching a reasonable conclusion.

My way of handling obstacles is first to vent my frustrations (either through writing or to a good friend who listens); rationalizing and stepping back seems to be my second step; the third and final step is looking at what I can to do to change, for that is the only thing I (and no one else) have ultimate control over -- me.

The definition/stereotype currently working through is difficult in tagging a single name to: I have nine years experience in my current field. Having the same responsibilities, my coworkers have at least that plus Masters and PhDs. Even though I receive nothing but respect back from them, my inferiority complex does rear its ugly head from time to time, somewhat affecting my output quality.

This stereotype is no different than others I've dealt with, going through the three steps mentioned above, being in the third and final stage of changing me by education through seminars, workshops, books, and online articles and posts such as this. (My sources are limited at this time for receiving formal education; maybe this is the next obstacle I need to overcome?) Of course, positive reinforcement and encouragement from family, friends, and coworkers are an invaluable asset along the way.

Having seen and experienced both good and bad leaders, my goal is to become a good leader in--not only with whatever career I choose--but every day. Thank you Mr. Goldsmith for sharing your insights and thanks to all those who responded--it was truly a Monday morning motivational experience.

Hi Marshall,

That was a Very insightful Article.

I have a couple of observations on this: Focusing on and changing oneself usually works when these habits are centered around the individual. Viz. anger, procrastination, being opinionated etc.

But, what about attributes such as assertion, when you really need to get assertive, especially when dealing with mean or rude people? They are not entirely under one's control. It would be interesting to know how one can handle such situations; especially in a continuing relationship, such as co-workers, family, friends etc.

Also, I think Deepak has a point. I believe, as long as an attribute is not anti-social and does not harm you, it is not a weakness, rather it is a strength. That is not to say that procrastination is a virtue, but the reasons for your procrastination might be valid.

Thanks!

Good article.

Someone said the following which is appropriate here:
"Don't overestimate your ability to change others and don't underestimate your ability to change yourself"

Kris

Hi Marshall,
I am amazed at the simplicity and powerfulness of your message. You ask what pervents us from changing? (Is this trait genetic? Do external forces prevent us from changing?) The next question is how does it serve us to identify ourselves with a negative trait and to go on to behave as the character in the story we tell ourselves.

Though, I used to (okay - Sometimes I still do) fall into this trap - Today I chose to reshape the computer in my brain; to reinvent the story I tell myself about fear and the way others percieve me; to reshape the way I think and thereby reshape the way I behave.

As a result, I have been invited and am writing a proposal to do the thing I love. I am writing a script on what I do daily. Develop Phenonmenal Leaders.

Thank you for your way of making the message clear and palatable.

Refreshed my positive and negative list after reading your very insightful article. The question I have, is how much does the work environment impact and shape the different personality traits that manifest themselves in our day to day interactions with others? A common example is law enforcement officers working on the street day after day who become jaded because of the daily onslaught of criminal behavior they witness. I work in a large financial institution and am responsible for, among other things, sourcing and underwriting large loans. Basically, Deal Professionals have to prepare a set of facts that convinces Credit Professionals the loan is worth making. For those not familiar with underwriting credit risk, this exercise is not as simple and straight-forward as one might imagine. It's both art and science -decisions are based upon clear facts but also upon intuition. Therein lies the challenge. Generally, facts, such as the size mortgage a certain asset can support, can be agreed upon relatively easy; no personality involvement there. It's the intuition or "gut-feel" part that's a challenge, because disagreement over these points sometimes goes to the core of who a person is; discussions can frequently turn adversarial, which is a huge problem in a work setting that requires cooperation to succeed. Sure, credible facts are always used to support ones argument but the bottom line is, one professional essentially has to convince other professionals that what they think or believe about a certain deal is not quite right and needs to be changed. Mastering the tactful art of persusion is key and I would like to learn ways to prevent discissions from turning adversarial.

Kind Regards,
Jack

Hi. This is Krishnamurthy from Mumbai,My upbringing has been from middle class family with the sacrifices of my parents i could complete my management, basically i am a confident person ready to take risks, challenges but i always underestimate myself due to which my confidence suddenly dips which mainly results in failure.
i will appreciate your help in overcoming this major defect of mine

Deepak - In terms of your 'success' or 'failure' in life, no one can define your strengths and weaknesses but you! I will give you an operational definition. A 'strength' help you acheive your unique mission as a human being. A 'weakness' holds you back from achieving your unique mission. It seems that some people may have identified some of your behaviors as 'weaknesses' when they (as you describe) are really 'strengths'.
Maggie - Thank you for this wonderful post! Although I do have a Ph.D. - the huge majority of what I have learned in life has been outside the formal educational setting.
Kalpana - I agree!
Kris - The only people that cannot (by definition) change - are people who have 'incurable genetic defects'. We can all change most of our behavior - if we want to and are willing to pay the price.
Genevieve - Thank you! Best wishes for great success in achieving your dream!
Jack - Our organizations can definitely change what is 'perceived' to be a 'strength' or a 'weakness'. I have worked with leaders who were seen as being too 'indecisive' in very assertive organizations - and were later viewed as too 'authoritarian' in more passive organizations.
krishnamurthy - I would suggest you read the works of a famous philosopher who shares your name. He suggested that when we have the courage to look directly at our fear - it will eventually begin to go away.